Extracts from my father’s diary (5)

Standard

Et in Ecclesiam Catholicam

Two days ago I was received into the Catholic church.  It was strange that such a ‘joyous’ moment should in a way be so depressing.  The night before I could not do a thing except to wonder whether or not to fall in love with a certain girl and to be preoccupied like that when heaven waited…!  I spent an hour at Blackfairs just sitting or kneeling.  Put one-self into the hands of God and it is all right one need not worry.  Perhaps I did succeed in doing that and things became looser.

But the next day holding a card and making the vow – this wasn’t becoming a Catholic and I was mainly worrying about what other people were thinking anyhow.  But the form had to be gone through perhaps I had become a catholic before.

Then Communion and the body of God sticking to one’s mouth.  I was unable to swallow the flesh of our Lord.

Then all was over and it might as well not have happened.  Or might it?

The world is the same.  I am the same yet I have eaten of the flesh and received the mark.  Perhaps also it is the cry of the murderer – why chase me I am the same as I am before?  Not what have I done?  I know what I have done and he knows what he has done.  But why am I different?  I know that you can apply a different name to me, but that is something you are doing not something I am doing; and I really eat the same way and drink the same way and talk the same way as before.

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